X-RAY MY INSIDES
today was a sad day at the co-op. one of our longtime members and volunteers was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 6 weeks ago and passed away this morning. i didn’t know him well but he was always very kind and he will be missed by all who knew him.
i can’t help you when you’re sad
that’s a constant source of pain to me
because i want to really bad
even though you make it seem like nothing
it’s starting to come to me
i didn’t know about, i hadn’t figured it out
but it’s starting to come to me now
a little bit too late
- Elliott Smith
about a month ago, i was at work assisting an older woman when she made some very rude comments about my facial piercings. it ended with her calling my face “annoying”. inside, i was so furious that all i could do was laugh and walk away. in these situations, i always wonder why it is that some people can’t see past the metal in my face? i think i’m beautiful. i am comfortable in my skin. why should it matter to anyone else what makes me feel good? this woman considered me an “inconvenience”, a “distraction”. but it is only that way because she makes it that way.
anyway, the reason i started writing this was because a few days later, i received a letter from a co-worker who i had confided in the day after this incident. it was probably the sweetest letter i’ve received in a long time. it made me smile and i wanted to share it, so here it is:
“hi Jessie,
i was thinking about your encounter with the sad person who could not see past differences today. it reminded me of a story my mother used to tell. she apparently taught us from a young age that everyone is different and it is rude to comment or draw attention to differences—that you have to look inside people to find the magic, and not be stuck on the crutches or the braces or the colors or the choices. she used to say that they were all just differences, and wouldn’t it be boring if we all looked exactly the same.
one day when i was somewhere around three years old, we were on a city bus. it was quiet and the bus was full, mostly with people who happened to be fair-skinned. there was one man who had beautiful, dark skin. according to the story, everyone had found a seat and the bus was moving, when i looked with rapt attention toward the man who looked different to everyone else on the bus. i very loudly said, “mommy, look at that man’s shiny, black…
at that point, the conversation going on around us stopped, and people looked at me and the man i was starring toward. my words hung in the air, the thought incomplete, until i finally arrived at the last word in my sentence…
SHOES.”
apparently, a large crowd, in unison, glanced closer to my level of the ground, and saw the shiniest part of men’s black shoes imaginable. they were twinkling and glossy and immaculate. the man looked at his shoes and beamed and laughed along with everyone. my mother got the sense that i had made a last-second revision before letting the final word escape from my mouth, but she could never be sure.
the point of the story is that i was three, and i knew something the person you encountered yesterday had not yet learned. you just have to feel sorry for someone like that. they will never delve deeper, never learn about empathy, and never know the magic of discovering the treasures inside of people. your baby boy is the lucky one, to have a mom like you who will teach him to look beyond the differences. you be different, be happy, be healthy, and know that other peoples’ unfortunate lack of good qualities is not a reflection of you. it is just a sad statement about them—they perhaps were not so lucky as to have a mom like you.”
an elderly couple passed by me as i was stocking the shelves at work. the woman said to the man, “see anything you’d like sweetheart?” and he replied, “just you.” i smiled and i am smiling now thinking about it.
happy yesterday to any and all mothers.
mother and son. <3
my little darling. i can’t nor do i want to imagine life without him. he’s the best part of every day.
mommy and El.
Ives Park, Potsdam.
our new camera arrived and it’s even more beautiful than i had hoped. it’s a pentax k-x, in white, aka stormtrooper. pictures to come.
my heart hurts. i’m angry. why do we as humans forget to love? it’s one of the strongest of our emotions and we still haven’t learned. i hate it. i wish we were mind-readers sometimes. i know it wouldn’t solve anything, it would only make things worse because we still wouldn’t be able to translate our thoughts. whatever i’m thinking could mean something completely different to someone else. there are at least slight variations. i just want you to understand how much i love you, how much this means to me, and that i’m sorry for any and every time that i’ve ever taken you for granted or said things that might of hurt you. those are not my intentions. the only thing i want is to be the cause of every smile that settles on your perfect face, to make you see that it is not all bad, that something, someday will make us very happy. you are the only one that i want and that is forever. i just don’t want to fight anymore.
